Waves of grief
by TheDorkLady
Summary: R&R please. Two years after the death of Qui-Gonn, Obi-Wan Has mannaged to suppress his grief. But not for much longer. Chapter 3 is finally up now!
1. Remembrance

Why did he die? He was not meant to go. He should have lived on. The feeling of his life fading from his broken body. Watching his eyes glaze and grow dull. I will never forget. Never...  
  
Standing at the ceremony, held to commemorate him. Staring into the flames. Watching his body diminish as his life force had done. The wave of grief. The rage that nearly overcame me. Too close. Far too close to complete control...  
  
But watching his calm face. So serene, so calm, as the flames engulfed. Why did he not rise, and beat the flames till they were out? Never will I forget the emotion I felt. Never... 


	2. The Morning of Memories

Obi-Wan sighed as he opened his eyes. All night he had been haunted by nightmares of his Master's expression of shock as the 'sabre cut through his flesh, the look in his eye as he made his young Padawan promise to train the boy, Anakin.  
  
Two years. Two years since the Battle of Naboo. Two years since he was made a Jedi Knight.. Two long hard years.  
  
He swung his legs over the side of his bed, and sat with his head in his hands. For some reason, Obi-Wan could tell that this year was going to be harder than all the rest. For the last two years he had hidden his grief and pain from everyone. Even his Apprentice, Anakin.  
  
Obi-Wan stood up, and as he pulled his customary Jedi robes of beige on, he moved to look out the window. He saw Coruscant spreading out below him. The tall buildings spreading out beneath him: out as far as the eye could see and beyond. He thought of the hundreds of people living in the huge, worldwide city. People of all size, shape and colour living their lives.  
  
Few, he thought, have ever felt such loss or grief like mine. For mine is more powerful than anything known.  
  
*****  
  
Anakin looked up as his master walked into the room. His eyes gazed upon his Master's weary face. He had had nightmares again last night. Anakin could hear them through the wall. He knew what day it was, and tried to put on a cheerful face.  
  
"Breakfast, Master?"  
  
"No.. No, thanks. I don't think I could eat breakfast." Obi-Wan attempted a weak smile, but was not successful. He knew that Anakin shared his grief, but it was not as strong as his own.  
  
"Today, Master Yoda asked us to appear before the Council. But we do not have to go till after Noon. I thought that we could work on my light sabre technique. If that was all right with you, Master? Master?"  
  
"What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Yes, we could work on your 'sabre technique." He thought of his own 'sabre training. How Qui-Gon had been so proud of him when he successfully learned all the new parries, and lunges, and everything else that it was necessary to learn. "Get ready. We'll go in ten minutes."  
  
Obi-Wan walked back into his room, leaving Anakin staring after him. Anakin could tell that this year was going to be harder for his Master. He reached out with his mind, and tried to communicate with his Master through the Force, but his way was blocked. Clearly, Obi-Wan did not want to talk, otherwise his mind-shields would not be so strong.  
  
In his room, Obi-Wan picked up his light sabre, and hung it from its hook on his belt. He then glanced a hologram by his bed of himself with Qui-Gon. The hologram showed of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon mere months before they were sent to Naboo to negotiate with the Trade Federation. He picked up the hologram, stared at it for a few minutes, and then threw it on the ground, returning to his previous stance by the window...  
  
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Note from the author: Sorry it's so short, but the next chapter will hopefully be longer. 


	3. Raging Grief

Obi-Wan Kenobi stood before the Jedi Council. HE gazed upon the small, wizened Jedi Master who was speaking to him.  
  
"Attack the boy, you did. Why, we must know?"  
  
Obi-wan though for a few minutes before replying. Why had he rushed at Anakin? He did not know why. HE knew only that such a wave of anger tinted with grief had swept over him, gaining control of his body and his actions.  
  
"I do not know why I attacked Anakin."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
As Obi-Wan corrected Anakin in his parry, he knew that his heart wasn't in it.  
  
"Anakin," He called out. "You must make your movements more fluid. Listen to the Force. Let it guide you." The boy was skilled, he would readily say that, but he was so disinclined to relax and listen to the Force. Obi-Wan started thinking about his training with Qui-Gon. He too had been reluctant to allow the force to guide him. If only he had taken more care when learning to wield the light sabre. If only he had allowed the Force to guide his every move. Then his Master wouldn't be.... Even his thoughts would not allow him to think the word.  
  
"I'm trying, Master. But it's so hard!" Anakin cried. Yes, the young Master thought, it is. But it MUST be done. For yourself. And for the lives of others.  
  
"Then you must try harder, my Padawan. This is one of the most important things you will ever learn. You MUST learn to be at one with the force." Anakin's face scrunched up in concentration, as he prepared to face the training droid again. But once again, he failed. He let out a moan of exasperation.  
  
"Calm your thoughts, Anakin. Empty your mind, and feel the force flow through you. You must relax as much as possible." That was why he had failed his Master: his mind had been full of turmoil; full of thoughts of the events of the last few days. He had been distracted, an easy opponent for the black and red demon they had fought.  
  
"I'm trying!! I'm trying as hard as I can!" Obi-Wan sighed.  
  
"Take a break. Gather your energy, and then we'll try again." ..maybe if they hadn't met Anakin, and Qui-Gon hadn't bee so eager to train him, then Obi-Wan wouldn't have been distracted, and Qui-Gon wouldn't have... It was nonsense. There was nothing which would've changed what had happened.  
  
"I wish I could be as good with a 'sabre as Master Yoda or Master Windu," the boy said conversationally. "One day, I hope I'll be the most skilled Jedi with a 'sabre!! That would be so cool!! But no one'll be better than Master Yoda."  
  
Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. Master Yoda was definitely the most skilled Jedi alive with a light sabre, if not ever. Obi-Wan's thoughts began to drift back to the subject of his Master. How could have changed things? What if he had died instead of his Master?? Or what if the hadn't met Anakin?? Would that have made a difference or not? Obi-Wan believed deep in his heart that he had failed his Master. He hadn't been good enough for him. If only he had tried harder!!  
  
Seeing his Master drift into thought, and feeling the Master-Padawan link that they shared was blocked, Anakin started to talk again.  
  
"I wish I was as skilled as you are. You are amazing with the 'sabre!" Anakin's Master knew that the twelve year-old was trying to make him feel better. But if only he knew. If only he knew how he failed his master. He knew that his Master had been disappointed with him. "Or to be as skilled as Master Qui-Gon. He was..." instantly, Anakin knew his mistake.  
  
Obi-Wan froze as his thoughts began to turn red with anger. What right did the boy have to talk of his Master in that manner?? It was his fault he had died!! If only Qui-Gon had never set eyes on him!! If only they had never gone to Tatooine!!  
  
Qui-Gon had loved Anakin more than he had loved his own Apprentice! As he lay cradled in Obi-Wan's arms, dying, did he say how much he loved his Padawan?? NO!! He spoke of the boy. In his dying breath, all he cared about was that the boy became a Jedi. He did not care for Apprentice.  
  
Obi-Wan felt the rage overcome him, and take control. He glared at the boy, and Anakin suddenly turned cold, filled with fear for the rage in his Master's eyes. The rage that was directed at him. He started to back away, when suddenly Obi-Wan rushed at him and started beating him. He did not think once of the light sabre in his hands. He dropped it, and tried to stop his Master from killing him. Why was he so angry with him? What had he done?  
  
Obi-Wan did not know what he did. All he cared was that he got rid of the filth that caused his Master's death. The vermin who should never have been brought to the temple.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Anakin had been knocked unconscious by the time Obi-Wan had been dragged away. The boy's face and body covered in bruises. Obi-Wan felt the guilt hit him as he thought of what he had done.  
  
Master Mace Windu stared closely at Obi-Wan's young, troubled face.  
  
"You are truly sorry for what you have done to the boy?" Obi-Wan nodded silently. "We will put the boy in the care of another Master for a few days. In the mean time you need to sort yourself out."  
  
"Forgive yourself, you must. Forgive the boy, you must." Obi-Wan nodded at the Master's words and turned to leave.  
  
"Obi-Wan," He turned around. "It is not your fault for what happened. Qui- Gon would not want you to blame anyone for his death." Obi-Wan left as quickly as he could, feeling the tears prick his eyes.  
  
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Note from the author: Sorry it's been so unbelievably long since I posted this, but I couldn't quite work out how to write this. Please R&R. 


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